Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to On Purpose with Paul. I am Paul Peters, your amazing host, entrepreneur, business owner, founder of the nonprofit and best selling author. I'm here today to talk to you about how to find your purpose.
Welcome to On Purpose with Paul. I am Paul Peters, your amazing host, entrepreneur, business owner, founder of nonprofit and a best selling author. I'm here today with my amazing friend, Christy Kuhl. She is going to be interviewing me today on my journey. Christy, welcome so much to the show.
[00:00:37] Speaker B: Oh my gosh, it is such a pleasure to be here. You have such an amazing story and I believe that you are so humble about it. And I cannot wait to dive in and tell people a lot of things that I think will be really helpful for them on their journey.
[00:00:51] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:00:52] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:00:53] Speaker B: All right. So you know me, I just get right to it.
[00:00:56] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:00:57] Speaker B: There was, there was a day long time ago for you, a cold December day, and you kind of woke up and realized that you were standing in Lake Michigan in the dead of winter.
And a voice said to you, I have a plan for you and a purpose for you.
Can you take us back to that moment? What were you feeling in your heart at that moment?
[00:01:23] Speaker A: It's amazing because I'm actually feeling some of those feelings that I had when I was contemplating ending my life.
And it was a sense of hopelessness, it was a sense of despair, it was a sense of loneliness that I had no other hope. And the only answer was to remove the pain, the suffering, and that was to end my life.
[00:01:44] Speaker B: What had Transpired up until 22 years of age that day in the middle of winter where you woke up and you're standing in Lake Michigan to get you to the point where you had lost all hope?
[00:01:54] Speaker A: Yep. Really goes back to my childhood. I was the youngest of six. I was the five brothers, one sister, and we grew up in a troubled home. My dad was an alcoholic, very abusive. And at one point my mom actually ran away from him and tried to escape from the abuse.
He found her and they got into an argument. A lot of this was told to me from my brothers and sisters, but they got into an argument and he then proceeded to put six bullets in my mom, which I don't remember any of it, but it had such a devastating effect on my childhood because of course he was caught. He was put in jail.
I was also told by my brother somewhere probably three years later, after he got out of jail, he came and tried to kidnap me. And then of course, he was removed. And it had such a big impact on me because I didn't have a father figure growing up, it was a big void missing in my life.
[00:02:46] Speaker B: You never talked to him.
[00:02:47] Speaker A: I never talked to him. I never met him. I never saw him, thought of him, thought of him often, but more in the way of. I was so angry, and it was displaced because I never even knew him. I just knew of him. I knew of the loss of not having a dad, somebody who could guide me, mentor me, help me to be the role model that I needed to be the leader. And so I grew up very insecure.
Going through, you know, elementary school, middle school, I was a people pleaser. Always wanted people to like me because I didn't feel accepted, I didn't feel loved. I felt because of what my dad had done, I felt abandoned. And so that was something I was struggling. And so through, you know, middle school, high school, I was just trying to fit in. I was trying to be accepted. And of course, when you do that, you. You hang, unfortunately, make. Don't make the best choices because you're not around the best kind of people. And so I ended up getting involved in alcohol drinking at an early age in high school. And so which ultimately led to me getting into a car accident because I was drunk and I had lost my car.
With the loss of the car, I also lost my job.
And I was staying with a friend of mine, and he was not going to tolerate some of those things. I started getting involved in taking some drugs, and he kicked me out of his house. And so this is. This is wintertime in Chicago.
And so I am homeless.
And I actually was able to get into his storage unit, the gated storage unit. And I lived there as long as I was allowed to until I got kicked out. And then I ended up staying with another quote, unquote friend of mine who let me stay. And literally within a few days, he just said, no, dude, you can't stay here. And so I was on the beach in Lake Michigan and I lost my job. I had no money. I felt like I had no friends.
And I just. I was ready to give up. I'm like, I did not want to suffer anymore. And it really went back all the way to my childhood. I kept running, I kept trying to meet the needs that I had internally through other relationships. So I really lost sight of who I was. And that's why I turned to the drinking. And I wasn't facing the reality. What I was missing, the loneliness, the despair. And, you know, so often when we're in those moments, we think that's the only answer.
And when I was contemplating ending it, walking into the water.
One good thing about being a people pleaser is fear.
I didn't want to confront that. This was it.
And it was at that moment of doubt, of questioning, is this the right.
[00:05:22] Speaker B: Choice to make because you didn't want to let some certain people down?
[00:05:26] Speaker A: No, not really. I was just like, then it's over.
Once I make that decision, it's over and I can't undo.
So I think from my perspective, what happened to me is God took that moment, that hesitation, that doubt, and was it an audible voice? I really couldn't tell you. It was just a clear voice, don't do this.
I know the future I have for you and that is to prosper you, to bless you.
And it was that moment I decided, I'm not going to go forward with this.
And I reached out to family member, my brother, and he played a big role for me of bringing me into his home.
And he was, you know, he wasn't married that long. So it was a big, you know, commitment on their part to take somebody who was just in despair and try to support and build him up to so that he can begin to begin his life again.
[00:06:23] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
[00:06:24] Speaker B: What was your relationship like with God up until that moment? Did you believe in God?
[00:06:27] Speaker A: I did now understand being a people pleaser. I was looking for anybody who would pay me attention. And my other brother, he had gotten into ministry and he was. And so I pretty much like a little dog puppy, I followed him and we ended up going to church camp. And the minister did something in church camp where you ask people come forward if they want to ask Jesus into their heart. And I was like, yeah, I mean, do I get to have fun? Do I get friends? You know, and of course I walk forward. And so it was a little seed in me. I did not have a lot of faith in what that meant. I didn't have a lot of understanding what was it like to have a relationship with God. I just knew I didn't have a father relationship. I did not have a father figure. And because of that father not having the father figure, I missed what every young boy and every young girl needs. And so I sought it in whatever a limited understanding of what faith and religion was.
[00:07:20] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:20] Speaker B: Did you think that that was God at the time? You know, now looking back, I feel like it's always easy to see the movie in reverse or, you know, 30 years later and be like, oh, I can see exactly why everything happened and who that was. Did you know that that was God's voice. Do you feel like at the time.
[00:07:33] Speaker A: In hindsight, I do. Like I said, it was enough for me to recognize.
It was loud enough and clear enough for me not to take that step.
The hardest part was now that I'm not going to do what I thought I was going to do to end my life now. The now the journey began, and I was not only afraid of ending my life, I was afraid of what do I do now?
And that. That's a fear we all have. Because if we're going to do something that's going to be transformational, we've got to be willing to take that step. I call it faith, whatever you want to call it, But I took that step, and part of it was I had to humble myself to be teachable because I made a lot of mistakes, because I did not have a good role model.
[00:08:14] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. Wow.
[00:08:15] Speaker B: And very profound at 22 to be able to recognize that, too.
I know that you are very committed to your own growth and personal development, and you're constantly. Look, that's one of the reasons why we bonded, because I think that if you're not growing, you're dying. I feel that way. And so I'm always seeking to understand myself better and more. And part of that is to get out of pain and experience more joy and happiness. I know you've done a lot of work in a lot of areas. You know, not having a father. Now, can you say what, within a healthy relationship with the father, what does the father provide for a son?
[00:08:53] Speaker A: Well, I can just tell you what he did for me, and this is what I believe that every father and mother, but for a young man and a young girl is the father has to be. That strength has to be a combination of strength and tenderness. And so when we're in relationship as a man, our sense of masculinity is formed from our father and the femininity is formed from our mother. And so I was heavily influenced by my mom, and I did not have a father influence in regards to the masculine, what would be called masculine energy. How do you treat another woman? I never got that model for me. And, you know, through most of my life, I struggle with how to have a good, healthy relationship. And so the father has to be that moral compass, per se. You know, how to choose right and wrong without forcing the child to make that choice. But to be giving the wisdom and the counsel and then also being able to develop the discipline and the accountability and making sure that the father's also pouring in that element of fun and Letting the child be the child. And a lot of that is where fathers are involved with their kids in sports. I didn't have that.
I remember when I signed up for Cub Scouts and I had no one to come and be a representative for me, so I couldn't do it. And so it broke my heart. And when I would have sporting events, I had no one to show up for me. And that devastates the child because the child wants to be supported.
[00:10:22] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:10:22] Speaker B: How did all that impact you negatively? Not having the role model, not having the strength, not having the guidance to help you, maybe not tell you, but help you decide what is right and what is wrong and then just have that person, that unwavering support that that person's going to be there. How did all of that manifest into what negative behaviors, thoughts, beliefs do you believe you acquired because of the absence of your father?
[00:10:48] Speaker A: For me, I didn't feel loved. I didn't feel valued. And so if you don't feel loved and you don't feel valued, you will self sabotage your very behavior and your actions. So you may want to accomplish great things, but you do not feel you're valuable or worthy to receive those. And so I would often pursue love or pursue acceptance, but ultimately get to a point like, you're not good enough. Even if you get somebody to like you, they're not going to end up liking you for a long time because they're going to see who you are. And that drove me for most of my youth and my young adult, and it was very frustrating. And I didn't understand why, because I didn't have somebody pouring into me, reminding me I'm valuable until I recognized in my relationship with God, he said, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I created you uniquely. And so that was very powerful for that mindset change for me that transmitted transformation because if I. And I've always been a visionary, always been a dreamer, but I would never manifest and acquire the things that I dreamed because I would sabotage my own actions and behavior that would prevent me from actually accomplishing these things.
[00:11:59] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:00] Speaker B: You had a mom.
Did you feel love from your mom?
[00:12:04] Speaker A: Most definitely.
[00:12:04] Speaker B: Yeah. So, you know, if you, if you could speak to the single moms out there who have sons and they're loving them to pieces and they're providing for them, it. It wasn't enough. Right. And for all of us, there's, you know, we need multiple things in our lives. So what would you say to that mom of that, you know, single, single mom, whether it's to A daughter or son, what could they do in order to get, you know, to help fulfill that. That need for their child? If the father wasn't in the picture and the grandfather wasn't and they didn't have a brother?
[00:12:36] Speaker A: Yes.
I would say, because as much as amazing as my mom was, she couldn't do it alone.
[00:12:44] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:45] Speaker A: And if I could go back and tell my mom it's not that she didn't try, I would say, mom, I know you're doing the best you can, but I need somebody that can help show me how to be a man.
And if that would be an uncle or a friend or somebody like a Boy Scout person who could be a mentor for me, because that would have made all the difference. But when I look back in my life, I believe that God put certain people in my life as mentors. They weren't like, I'm going out pursuing a mentor. They were just put in. It's almost like my mom did the best she could, but my mom grew up in an alcoholic home, so she didn't really have a lot of tools herself. The one big tool she did was she had. Was love. And she loved us the best that she could. And so when I think about the people that came in my life through different stages, they were directed to come into my life for a certain reason to teach me a lesson. And that's why I've committed my life to being a mentor for young kids.
[00:13:43] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:44] Speaker B: I love that. And, you know, they can be anywhere. Right. You could find. Your mom could have. If she. If she understood that this was a need, she could have found that person in the church. She could have found that person at work. Just needed to be another.
[00:13:56] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:13:57] Speaker B: Another positive male to illustrate and show you. Now, we talk in the world of personal development a lot. I know you believe in this, too. We don't look at things in a negative way. We know that everything happened the way that it was supposed to.
But oftentimes, you know, people feel like if it. If it wasn't for this, I could be that if he wouldn't have. If he would have been there.
But then we hear about this.
This idea of blaming effectively. Right. If we're going to blame him for all of this stuff that, you know, he didn't do, he wasn't there. Is there anything that that environment did that made you the man that you are today that you're almost grateful or thankful for? Can we blame him for that, too? And give him credit would be another way?
[00:14:40] Speaker A: Yes.
The. The. The pivotal Point for me, what I would call the catalyst is I had recognized that I was so angry and bitter and resentful towards my dad, that it was the very thing that was keeping me from growth.
And when I recognize and I sought, you know, some counsel, mentorship, and I began to understand my dad a little bit more and got to recognize that my dad grew up in a very dysfunctional home.
And so he was only able to do and teach me or teach us the very things that he knew. And it was very limited. So in some respects, I couldn't really fault him. One, he was dead now. And then I recognized through the unforgiveness, I was the one that was suffering.
And I thought to myself, he's not around, but I can forgive him, because I tell people, forgiveness is not about the other person.
It's releasing you from the memories and the pain. And when I began to do that, I began to have a tenderness and a compassion towards my father. And it allowed me to unleash and be free to love him even though he was gone, and have a deeper understanding of what he probably went through as a child and even what he went through as an adult. And then it allowed me to. Then, much like a flower blossoming to grow because I was no longer held captive, through the anger, the resentment, and the better bitterness, I could move forward. And that was. That was the key moment for me.
[00:16:08] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:09] Speaker B: So profound in so many ways. And a couple of things that I'm hearing from you is that, you know, it's interesting, once we become adults and we realize that we don't have it all figured out yet, it's easier to give grace to your parents. I feel, and know that they're doing. They did the best they could with the information, with their own monsters, voices in their head, whatever it may be. They did the best they could at the time.
And forgiveness, as you said, is for you. It's releasing that umbilical cord to all of those bad memories. And even for people that are still alive, it doesn't mean that you have to have those people in your life, but you need to forgive because it's preventing you from going into the next chapter of your life and living full out. If I hear you correctly, if you were to blame him effectively, you could also blame him for your understanding and compassion of where maybe some of these other people are that you're meeting in your life and how you can speak to them and breathe life and hope into them and show them another way.
[00:17:07] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:07] Speaker B: And also, perhaps if you didn't go through that, maybe he's responsible for your desire to be a mentor for all these other people, which is like, in my opinion, is your greatest gift.
[00:17:17] Speaker A: Yeah. And when I look back on the choices that I made and where it led to, where ultimately where I contemplated suicide and then where I've come since then, I recognize that he did give me one of the greatest gifts. Because I went to school and studied psychology primarily just to figure out why I was screwed up. But I was able to develop insight into how all that formed me as an empath. Very sensitive, very tender.
My career, working with folks with disability, intellectual disability, mental health, substance abuse. It takes a very special, unique kind of person that can actually work in that field to have the kind of tenderness.
And so because of what my dad had, because of his failure to be the kind of dad, it forced me. And then, of course, once I asked for forgiveness and sought forgiveness and gave forgiveness, it really began to form in me the very special, unique qualities that make who I am. But it was through the crucible, pain and suffering, and we're going through that. We don't recognize that never. But we recognize, at least for me, that God was using that because he saw in the future that. Paul, you're going to be working as a chaplain with. With inmates. You're going to be working with some very challenging people who can be very aggressive, very violent, and working with people in general who are hurting and suffering. And it's almost like you said, Paul, I need you to go through this so that when you're gone through it and you're on the other side, you can help a lot of people.
[00:18:48] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
[00:18:49] Speaker B: Yes. And so easy. Easy to see the movie in reverse 30 years later. Right. 40 years later, and be like, oh, this is exactly. So what would you say to people that are the thick of it and they, you know, they don't really know up from down and they're going through all this pain and they're questioning themselves and they're questioning all the things that ran through your head. And you know now that God was doing all that on purpose to make you who you're supposed to be. But what would you say to that person that's in. Right in the middle of it and doesn't understand that.
[00:19:16] Speaker A: Sure, I would say one, don't give up hope.
I believe that God puts a vision within each of us. We may not see it at the. At the moment, but if we hope and believe, and I can't stress it enough, do not, do not criticize yourself because you were made uniquely special. There's no other person like us in the world. And if we begin to believe in ourselves and surround ourselves with people who believe in us, I think that's a key element. And so we become like, we hang around people who we hang around. And so you've got to look at yourself and say, who am I hanging around? Because if those people are influencing me and I'm not happy with the outcome, I need to change who I'm hanging with.
I need to change the things that I'm looking at the TV shows, I'm looking at the things that I'm reading, because it will influence you in a great way. And if you don't feel like you're happy, joyful, there's usually a reason, and we've got to figure that out. And I just encourage people, have a dream, hold onto that dream. Surround yourself. People that can be your cheerleaders and support that dream and eventually will begin to show up.
[00:20:23] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
[00:20:24] Speaker B: They have the faith, you know, And I know you say, you know, faith could be religion, but faith in yourself is just as important. And I know you use. When you say faith, sometimes it means one or the other. But you just have to hold on to that vision and that belief that you have that this is the path that you're supposed to be on. Mentors are great, Coaches are great.
Making sure you're with the right friend circle, church circle, whoever it is that you need. But also, you know, what podcasts are you listening to? Who are you following on social media? You know, you could be following a lot of people that aren't really good for your psyche and to help you through that moment. So find people that are. That are where you want to be.
[00:21:02] Speaker A: Correct? Yes.
[00:21:02] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:21:05] Speaker B: So going back to 22, coming out of that water, it is hard to find humility within men.
I feel, and I believe that you started to embrace that at a young age. You reached out to your brother at 22. You asked him to take you in. His life was together. Yours was a mess.
But I believe that is the level of comfortableness that you have with your own humility has.
Is response is part of why you are where you are today. Can you talk a little bit about that humility and what you believe about it?
[00:21:44] Speaker A: Yeah, I would say the humility is almost like brokenness and surrender. And one thing that I've come to realize is we fight too often with the very things that we want. And often the things we want only come when we surrender them. And so often from my Perspective. We're often humble because we're going through challenges. We're continuing to hit that brick wall that know is not the, the. The way we need to go. And I think so often when I look at my past experiences and the choice that I made, it's like, okay, do I want to continue to suffer? Do I want to continue to be in pain, or am I going to learn the lesson? You know, I've shared an example. It's like we go to school every day. You know, we did go into elementary, middle school, high school, college, but every day we go to school, every day we're given an opportunity to learn lessons. And if we don't learn the lessons, we're going to repeat the lessons. And we don't want to continue to repeat the lessons because we don't want to suffer. We don't want to go in pain. And I just recognized early on because I think God knew how hard my head was. I'm going to break you down. Because when he gives you a great dream and a great vision and a great responsibility, he's got to make sure that you are obedient to whatever that's going to be. And sometimes it requires that you be broken and you be humble because he's going to have to build you back up. Because I'm a firm believer. When we were born and created God's creation, his image is already instilled within us. And then whatever happens in life, in my situation with some of the dysfunction, I really got off path. And once I was broken, God would say, okay, now you can. Now you're ready to listen to me. I can rebuild you and show you the one I put within you, that you're going to do great and wonderful things. You're going to impact a lot of people.
[00:23:27] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:28] Speaker B: Having faith in yourself, having faith in a higher power can provide such a level of peace in people that they're not alone when they feel like they're so alone and that. And that there is a plan for them. What would you say to the person that does not.
That is not sure if God is real, it does not have a relationship with God or maybe has, like you, you know, went along and went to church and got baptized because it seemed like the thing to do, but just, you know, there wasn't anything more beyond that. What can that person do if they're curious or wondering?
[00:24:00] Speaker A: Sure.
I remember as a chaplain and a lot of people that I have experienced and talked with at one point had a belief in God and there was a certain Level of disappointment. Things did not work out that the way they had. They had planned, and they pretty much abandoned God. And a lot of people just said, I don't need God. It didn't work out the way that I wanted, but deep within us, and for me, it's. It is God putting his imprint on us.
There is something in us that drives us. We are drawn to one, towards one another. We are drawn towards connection. We are drawn towards love. If you are a parent, you typically have that natural draw to love your kids and protect them. So there's something within us that has to be that driving force. Because I don't know of anyone that does not want to experience love. I don't know anyone that does want to experience joy, peace, all of these wonderful emotions.
And so they are found in the context of relationship.
And that's why it's so dangerous when we get so hopeless and we're in despair or discouraged because our tendency is to withdraw. But it's the last thing we need to do. So I think for those people who may not have a belief in God, I want to believe they want to experience the joy in their life. They want to experience the love. And so I would call leverage. There's got to be something that's drawn you.
If you don't really love yourself so much, maybe you have the love of a child or the love of a mom or grandmother, and you want to make them proud. And so something is driving us to be better than who we think we are. And I just encourage people believe in who you can be because it's in who you can be. And walking in that path, you will become that person and you will begin to manifest the very things that you're seeking for. The love, the peace, the joy.
[00:25:47] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:25:48] Speaker B: Why do you feel like so many people are still in so much pain?
[00:25:52] Speaker A: I think people are getting busy running away because they don't want to deal with what's inside of them. It could be shame, it could be guilt, it could be unforgiveness. All of those things need to come up to the surface and they need to be dealt with. Because so often, and it's so easy in this day and age, we will wear masks and we will not be honest with you one another, and we will not be honest with ourselves.
And so when you're not honest with yourself or honest with other people, you're being inconsistent and you're not in alignment with who you are.
[00:26:22] Speaker B: You said that people are wearing masks, and so it's interesting, you know, if you don't necessarily. Well, I'll ask you this question. Do you think a lot of people even know that they're wearing a mask?
[00:26:34] Speaker A: I would say no because they're so used to it. But I think deep within their soul and I usually use example.
What are you doing at three in the morning when you're all alone and you know you're not being sincere, you're not being real?
That's when you need to ask those questions because it's the, the love, the joy, the peace, it's elusive because you're not dealing with those things. You're wearing that mask because you either you have been hurt, you're afraid, and you don't want anyone to see who you really are. But you know what? Who you really are is the best person who you are.
[00:27:06] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:27:07] Speaker A: And if you can allow yourself to be comfortable in your own self skin, people are going to see that and they're going to appreciate for you being real with your zits or whatever your faults, whatever faults you think you have. I think somebody who's being more genuine and transparent and real is the most beautiful person ever.
[00:27:24] Speaker B: I think so too. You know, you said most people don't know themselves. And I find that every single day is, is that there's an incongruency, but the body doesn't lie. So sometimes you agree to things that you don't, that you say yes when you meant no. And then you know, those moments stack on top of each other and before you know it, you've designed an entire life that you don't want to show up for because you kept saying yes when you really meant no. And I think that's what I hear when you say that. And so why did I say yes? Well, maybe I said yes because that's who I thought I was supposed to be or it's a childhood story or she says yes and I want to be like her, so I say yes, but it's not working for me. And, and people know that. But, but most importantly, you know that. And that is probably why you feel depression, you feel anxiety because there's an incongruency on what you're saying yes to and what you really want to say yes to.
[00:28:17] Speaker A: Exactly. And a lot of people are driven by acceptance.
[00:28:21] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:28:21] Speaker A: They don't want to say no because they don't want people to be upset with them. And so they will go ahead and say yes even though they don't want to. And that puts them out of alignment of who they really are rather than have the courage enough to value yourself, to be able to say, no, that's not good for me. I'm not going to do that. And I think a lot of people, out of fear and the need to be accepted, are going to do those things and begin to wear masks.
[00:28:44] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:28:45] Speaker B: Now, I know that you, you are on a mission to help people find their purpose.
[00:28:49] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:28:50] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:28:51] Speaker B: What is your purpose?
[00:28:52] Speaker A: My purpose really is to help people find their purpose. Because I recognize if people. I tell people, I just want you to ask the question, why am I here? What am I created for? And in the asking, you will begin to get the answers. Because our mind is driven when we ask a question, to get that answer. And so for me, it's like, I recognize that if people are beginning to discover their purpose, the byproduct is they're going to begin experiencing their joy.
[00:29:18] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:29:18] Speaker A: Their peace, their love. Because when you're doing something you absolutely love, you feel you're called to do, something in you becomes alive. I call it that. That little seed that God puts within us. It's like, you got it. You're finally doing what I've called you to do.
[00:29:34] Speaker B: Yes. Yes. And, you know, it's the further down this journey that I get on my life, that is what people really want. Those are the feelings that are absent. Joy, happiness, love, peace. They just. They just want peace. You know, when you walk, you walk around, you see everybody's shoulders are up to their ears. People are stressed out.
What if you just had a little bit more joy? What if you could spend a little bit more time in. In the areas that gave you all that happiness? Now, when you went down this path to find your own happiness, what did you learn? Any surprises?
What did you think that your purpose was?
[00:30:11] Speaker A: For me? Well, it's interesting because once I finally, you know, started really that down that path. When I was. Became a chaplain, I was very much involved in the church and doing things such as that I felt like. And I was very limited my thinking. I thought, okay, I went to seminary. I said, I'm going to be a missionary. I'm going to work in the church. And then tragically, I went through a divorce and I was working in a particular denomination or involved in denomination. That frowned on that. So it's almost like, oh, my gosh, what am I going to do now? Because I thought this was my purpose to go into the mission field. I love serving out in the mission field. Currently doing that right now.
Then I almost like hit a detour and I really had to kind of stop. And I really had to ask the question again, if this is not my ultimate purpose, what is it?
And I took the time to listen, I took the time to ask the questions. And I put myself in a state where I could be taught, humbled.
And I spent the weekend with a gentleman that kind of took me through what is called a life plan. And basically what he did, he spent the whole weekend and he asked me a lot of questions and he put everything on paper. And what it was, it allowed me to look over my whole span of my life up into that point to see what was already occurring. So much we miss the patterns of our life. We just. Because we're so driven on what we think we need to accomplish, you know, we're working towards something, you know, a trophy or some kind of award. And when I recognized that filtered throughout all my life was working with folks with disability. And I just recommitted my life. It's like, okay, God, if working the mission field in the church is not your purpose, it's much bigger than I even thought it was. I'm going to commit myself to working with folks with disability. And from that is when I discovered that individual disability and all the rest of us have a uniqueness about us.
[00:32:00] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:00] Speaker A: And we have a calling in our life. And so actually from that came. My purpose is helping people find their purpose.
[00:32:06] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:07] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:32:07] Speaker B: Yeah. So beautiful. So, you know, a lot of people think it's the accomplishment.
[00:32:11] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:12] Speaker B: It's building the company, it's, you know, having the name up in lights, whatever it may be. This is my purpose to provide all these opportunities for others. But your purpose was helping others find their purpose.
[00:32:21] Speaker A: Correct?
[00:32:21] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:22] Speaker B: So, so beautiful.
[00:32:23] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:32:25] Speaker B: Let's switch gears for a little bit. I know that you are three time author, soon to be fourth time author. You just had a book come out called co authored with Jack Canfield and you were talking about the keys to success.
[00:32:36] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:32:37] Speaker B: Can you. What are the keys to success in your opinion?
[00:32:39] Speaker A: Yes, for me it was the four elements of success. And so the book was basically success redefined. And so we all have our image of what success is. Some people say, well, it's getting a Lamborghini or it's, you know, a million dollars in the bank or a successful marriage and all of those wonderful things. And so my take on it was I really laid it down into forward, what I would call four elements. And it first starts with vision. And I think back on that beach, I had to have a hope, I had to have a vision in order to take the next step to live. And so we always have to have a vision. And you use earlier the GPS system. Yeah, we all use that GPS if we're going to a place. Now imagine you just said I'm just going to drive. And then you have no destination. Destination you would never arrive. And so when we put in the gps, it's our destination, where do we want to go? And it's great when we arrive, but the fun is the journey. And so we understand the vision is where we're going forward. And then the other part is purpose. We got to know why we're going there, am I going to get bread? Whatever we're going. And it's like for us and this is so important for everyone.
You have a span of when you're born and when you die. We don't know when we're going to die, but we all want to leave an imprint. I would call it a legacy. And so your vision is I want to get to the end of my life and I want to say that I've lived a, well, a great life and I've. And I've touched a lot of people.
And your purpose is how are you going to do that? For me it's working with folks with disability. It's also working with my non profit where I get to work with senior citizens and homeless and veterans and other individuals. People struggle with addiction. And so my purpose is what drives me each and every day, what gets me up each and every day that I can walk towards that vision and it's fueled by passion, which is the third element. I call that the energy.
We have our why, which is our purpose, but what's fueling us each and every day, what's getting us out of bed? And it's really so by the time we go to bed we've lived a well lived day and we can say I've made a difference. I tell people my desire every day is when I meet people to lead them better than I left them. And I want to make that. And the last element is love.
That is the greatest attribute we can always attain to when we can have a relationship where we're loving people and just accepting them for who they are, it makes the biggest impact because no matter what you do to feed people, how you treat them and how you love them is going to be the greatest impact you're going to make. And that's the real legacy we're going to leave.
[00:35:14] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
[00:35:16] Speaker B: That's just like a little scorecard in my opinion of how you should be living your life every single day. If you just could have those four elements and go, okay, you know, this is my compass, and if I get away from this, this is where I come back and make sure I get dialed in. How do you apply those four things to your company? Covenant?
[00:35:34] Speaker A: So as a bench engineering, as a leader, as an entrepreneur, I'm the one that casts the vision. I kind of think of the story of Moses. Moses was the leader of the Israelites. And so you cast the vision, and those that will embrace your vision will follow you. If you are living out your vision and you have a sense of purpose and you've instilled that in the. In your team, they're going to want to follow you. And then if you are so passionate, enthusiastic, excited, they're going to want to follow you. Because it's like. It's like when you're in a football game and your team is winning. I mean, it's crazy how people get. They get so excited.
[00:36:06] Speaker B: So true. That's a great analogy.
[00:36:08] Speaker A: Yeah. And then if they felt like they're being loved and taken care of, they'll go all the way with you.
[00:36:15] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:36:15] Speaker A: And so for me, it's like I've got to make sure that I'm casting the vision that they can embrace.
I've got to be able to instill that sense of purpose, because then they're going to buy into that purpose. I've got to fuel it with enthusiasm and excitement.
So every day, it's a new day. And I've got to treat them with love, respect, kindness, because that's what's going to. I mean, you can pay your staff all this money, but it's really how you treat them is what they. What keeps them to stay.
[00:36:41] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
[00:36:42] Speaker B: Now this. This company of yours, you know, you are such a humble man, but, you know, you built this company.
Part of you one.
[00:36:49] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:36:50] Speaker B: Talk a little bit about that. When did all this start?
[00:36:53] Speaker A: It really started when I was working for another agency, and they basically put some kind of parameters around me, and I'm all about my families. And I got to Observe in the 30 years I've been doing this, I have. My. Have had my company for 14 years now. And so I was seeing some of the frustrations of my families having to wait for a long time to get things that they. That their children needed. And I had the opportunity to start my own company. And when I did, I was able to really make the decisions that were going to impact the families and get them the things that they wanted.
And they recognized that I cared about them. And I tell people the greatest honor to be able to serve my families is they invite me to birthday parties, they invite me to baptisms, unfortunately, sometimes they've invited me to funerals. And so it's an honor to be part of the family's life because they are my family. And so I'm just honored that I've been blessed to be able to make an impact on their lives.
[00:37:46] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:37:47] Speaker B: And I've been able to see it firsthand. And it's so rewarding to see just in 14 years, what you've been able to build and how many families that you've been. Been able to impact. And I know, you know, now you. You have freedom because you have a team in place. But what were those early days like for you? How many hours a day were you working?
[00:38:06] Speaker A: Well, I tell people I was a hat collector, you know, wear so many hats. I would say to this day, someone, when I'll do an interview with somebody and I'll introduce myself, I'm the lead janitor. I mean, there's some truth to that, and there's. There's nothing I won't ask my staff to do that I won't do myself.
[00:38:20] Speaker B: Sure.
[00:38:21] Speaker A: And it's really all about being relatable to the staff that come in. Let's just say they're fresh out of college. And so when they see someone like me who's been there doing it for 30 years, the owner getting in there and getting their hands dirty and doing the things that we do, I mean, that's. That, to me, is a role model. And that's what I want to be. I want to be a servant leader. We've infused that in our company. We are all about serving one another. It works from the. Not the top down, but the bottom up. And I want people to see that they can call me, and most of my families will call me because they have my direct phone number. If they're not happy, they know who to call because they know Paul's gonna get right on it.
[00:38:58] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:38:59] Speaker B: I know that to be very, very true.
Oftentimes we talk about faith, whether it's faith in ourselves, faith in a higher power, faith in everything's gonna work out, whatever it may be.
Sometimes I see that people, they cast the faith or they do the manifestation, and then they sit and wait.
And you said a phrase yesterday to me, faith without works is dead. Can you talk a little bit about that?
[00:39:26] Speaker A: Sure.
A lot of people, especially if you're not of a religious nature, they'll understand faith and they'll kind of separate faith out, especially if they're not one that tends towards that direction. So I just tell people faith is really about belief.
And it's like when you truly believe something, you're going to act on it because if you don't, then you don't truly believe in it. You're committed to it. So part of the what the Faith plus works is like if you say you have faith or you have belief, but yet you don't commit to it, then you're really not. So let's say you want to run a marathon, but you don't get up and run, then you're never going to run the marathon. So the belief is saying, and this is interesting because I remember when I wanted to leave my legacy and how I wanted to leave it in regards to writing and I had to see myself as a published author and I had to see myself as a best selling author because until I saw it, I wouldn't act on it, I wouldn't write. And it's the scene, it is the believing. The faith is a future element, by the way. Belief is a future element and the action is basically walking in the direction of what you believe to be true.
[00:40:34] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:40:34] Speaker A: And we as children, little children, they believe. It's like when mom and dad say, you're going to get the bicycle, they're like, okay, where's my bike? You know, they're like, I want my bike. You know, it's like. And that's how we should be as adults. You know, the world is impacted and changed because people are following what they believe in and they're, and they're, and they're making things come to be.
[00:40:52] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just love that you, I think that if there's the amount of time from idea to action with the you is, it's whatever is smaller than a millisecond, you know, I mean you, you know, you cast the vision, but you are walking and going to work right away, which I think is, you know, usually the, the secret sauce that people can't find. You know, you have to get to work. And I know for you, you just have the faith and you may not have the exact right path, but you're out there and when you step out on the path, the path starts to become clear.
[00:41:25] Speaker A: Correct?
[00:41:26] Speaker C: Yes. Yeah.
[00:41:27] Speaker B: I love, love all of that. So what would you say to somebody who, who is in a job that's not necessarily their purpose or doing something that's not their purpose?
[00:41:37] Speaker A: Well, I Think people often will take a job because they need to make the money.
And what they end up finding is they're in their job at 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, and they're living an unfulfilled life. And it's going to manifest in their, in their relationships, going to manifest in their home life. And I would just tell people, find out what you're, what you were so excited as a young child.
And some people, I've been in conversations like, you know, they'll tell me, oh my gosh, I love to paint. Are you painting?
No. Why do the things that you love that you're passionate about. And for me, everything that we are passionate about is going to be in line with service of some sort of.
[00:42:18] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:42:18] Speaker A: And can be monetized a lot of times out of fear. People will stay in a job that they're not happy with because they're afraid of not having the money to be able to do that now you don't have to jump ship and just all of a sudden. And I remember when I was took a job as a life insurance agent which was not my purpose or fashion. You know, there is a way you can transition, transition into your purpose that will ultimately be able to be monetized or be. Have more abundance than you ever thought about. I know you shared a story about somebody you encouraged to follow their dream because it's in the following of the dream and taking the action and being wise about how you transition. You're going to find the money is going to come along and when you're, when you're living that dream. Faith element of belief, walking forward, you're going to find things coming in your path that never would have happened before simply because you're no longer fearful.
[00:43:08] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:43:09] Speaker A: And it shows up and then you can make that big jump and say, I'm doing this. I'm quitting that job. I'm going to be a painter. Whatever that is for you.
[00:43:17] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:43:17] Speaker B: And maybe painting is not, you know, maybe that's not the purpose. But sometimes getting back to the things that you're passionate about gets you in the right mind frame to find your purpose. Exactly right. Do the things that you love. How many people have gotten away from all the things that they love to do because they feel like they have to work to pay the bills. So you and I have a lot of things in common. One of the things that is very much in common is we don't feel, we feel most alive when we are giving.
[00:43:44] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:43:45] Speaker B: Living is giving. So talk to me about the Nehemiah Project.
[00:43:48] Speaker A: So Nehemiah Project was started about four years ago and it's basically working in the areas of homelessness, senior citizens, veterans at risk kids, domestic violence, folks struggling with addiction and mental health and intellectual disabilities. What I would call the parts of our society culture that have been left behind. And so when I think about what is the greatest need in the society is to make an impact on the ones that need it the most. And so the Nehemiah Project is committed internationally. We're doing some work in North Carolina in all of those areas. We have a mentoring center called Growing Minds in Stanley county where we and many of these kids parents are either incarcerated or struggling with addiction. And then we are currently working in Guatemala and going to be working in Costa Rica and working with some of the kids in a very impoverished area. So we're providing not only food or providing, we're going to be providing computers to the kids and giving them opportunities to believe that they are given a particular gift and to be more than what they think around them is supposed to be. So we're excited about what we're doing and changing lives of people.
[00:44:47] Speaker B: Wow, that is so amazing. I know we're almost out of time. I could talk to you all day long. I have two last questions.
What do you need to do to make 8 year old Paul proud?
[00:45:00] Speaker A: It's funny that you asked me that question. My mentor Jack Canfield asked me that question and it really was going back 8 year old self who felt guilty and ashamed that he wasn't good enough, that he wasn't loved. So it was really encouraging pouring to the eight year old self that it wasn't your fault and you are loved and you're special and you're going to do great and wonderful things to really instill a sense of belief in him.
[00:45:20] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that. And your 80 year old self, what do you need to do from now until then to make your 80 year old self proud?
[00:45:28] Speaker A: I think the greatest gift, the greatest legacy we can leave is how have we loved other people. And so I envision my 80 year old self to be a wise servant, a wise lover. I think about your Mother Teresa who just absolutely exuded love. And if we could do that with more people, especially the ones that are hard to love.
[00:45:47] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:45:48] Speaker A: And I call that, that is like the college education of love. It's easy to love people who are kind to you, but can you love people who are going to be unkind to you? And I think that's what I want. My 80 year old self to be.
[00:45:59] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:45:59] Speaker B: Gosh, I learned so much in doing this. This has been such a dream come true to be able to do this for you, my friend, and ask you these questions. Thank you so much.
[00:46:08] Speaker A: Thank you. I appreciate.
